The Bites Before Christmas
“Grandpa! I…I don’t think I can do this!”
“It’s easy, son! Just ride around, use a few magical portals and such, and you’ll be done in no time at all!” he said. “You have 24 hours to do it! You’ll be FINE!”
“Now Nicholas! You be a good boy and do as your grandfather says!”
A plump woman in a red and white dressing-gown waddled forwards and kissed her prodigiously fat grandson! “You’ll LOVE IT!” she whispered. “I remember when I used to do this with your grandfather every Christmas and it was SO much fun!” she said, her eyes sparkling with tears of happiness.
Santa Claus kissed his wife and nuzzled her.
“Hahahaha!! Now that’s enough, Edna!” he said. “Off you go, now, young Nicholas! You’ll do wonderfully!”
“Grandpa’s right, son! Sooner or later you’ll have to take over, you know. And this is good practice now that you’re old enough!”
“Easy for YOU to say!” said Nicholas to his father, “you’ve done it already!”
Christopher Kringle laughed. “You’ll love it! And remember all the FOOD you’ll get!”
Nicholas looked up. “Food?” he asked.
“Of course, food! You don’t think grandpa got fat eating SNOW, do you!?”
Nicholas St. Claus VII, the 12-year-old grandson of the great man himself, Santa Claus, frowned.
“Oh alright!” he said, “I’ll do it!” he said.
“Good lad!” said Santa, happily. He gave his grandson a kiss and ruffled his thick blond hair. “Now waddle along! There’s a good chap! Godspeed! And watch out for airliners!”
Nicholas St. Claus sighed. He’d HOPED to spend THIS Christmas with his friends – Santa’s Helpers. The elves and other toymakers and servants who lived in the northern city of Christendom, and at the great Christmas Castle, a magnificent royal structure built of pure, snow-white marble. But nooo! He had to go on a stupid toy-run instead! AND miss out on THE MOST EPIC CHRISTMAST FEAST EVER!!
Nicholas waddled along through the grand castle. Nicholas was immensely fat. Despite his age, he was already nearly 1,000 pounds! Although nowhere near as fat as his illustrious grandfather, who plodded along at a hefty ton and a half!
The reasons for Nicky’s impressive bulk was obvious enough – One of them was the freezing temperatures to be found at the top of the world, away from sunlight and warmth. Having a thick layer of blubber to keep him warm was essential this far north! The other reason was the impressive diet which he had been fed since birth! Shortbread, gingerbread, roast goose, roast ham, sausages, pies, cakes, puddings, tarts, chocolate yule logs and countless other delicious and fattening treats, which were offered to him in abundance by the elves and workers in Santa’s workshop, castle and in Christendom, all the year round!
Nicholas waddled into the castle stables. The elves were busy loading up Santa’s sleigh, a huge, red and green vehicle with polished brass railings and hooks, with bells and lanterns hanging from it. The massive, magical, bottomless sack was being crammed full of everything from LIONEL train-sets to iPads and iPods and the latest Grand Theft Auto computer-games, gaming-consoles, model-building kits, books and other wondrous toys!
“Think of the food!” Nicholas said to himself as he waddled through the stables, “Think of the food!” he said.
Yes…yes this was working. Nicholas loved food. Especially Christmas food! And being able to eat so much food in one go was gonna be FUN!
He watched as the reindeer were led out and attached to the sleigh. Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer trotted up to the sleigh’s side. He licked him on the face and Nicholas pushed him back!
“Rudy stop!” he said, and laughed. The reindeer headbutted him playfully and nuzzled him.
“Awww…I love you too!” he said. He gave the big lug a kiss and rubbed his antlers. The head deer went to the front of the sleigh and waited to be harnessed up.
Nicky St. Claus stared at himself in a huge mirror inside the stables. He was wearing a large pair of red pyjamas that strained over his huge body, and a massive red dressing-gown, bedroom slippers, and a red and white Santa hat. Peeking out from under his hat was soft, golden blond hair. And beneath the hair was a fat, round, triple-chinned face with bloated, full, chubby jowls and cheeks, and a snouty nose and large, blue eyes.
“You’ll love it!” said Santa, coming into the stables and slapping his grandson on his well-padded buttocks! “Everybody ready!?” he called out.
The reindeer snorted and the pounded their hooves on the stable floor, eager to get going! The elves nodded.
“Alright!” said Santa. “Now remember, Nicky! Blow the whistle to stop and start the sleigh! Once to start, once to stop. Twice to change locations!” he said, “Three times to come home!” he said. “Good luck! Try not to be seen! And above all, have fun!”
Nicholas sighed. Fun! Sure. Oh jeez…
The enormously fat Santa protégé pulled the whistle out of the clothes he was wearing and nodded. “Gotcha!” he said. With the aid of a set of stairs, and two elves to push him in, Nicky boarded the sleigh with a grunt, a pant, a wheeze and a gasp! He was getting too fat for this! How did grandpa do this every year!?
“Alright…” he said. “Here goes nothing…” he said. He took a deep breath and blew hard! The whistle-blast echoed through the stables! At once, the reindeer bucked and kicked! They started running! The sleigh scraped and bounced along the ground as it was dragged along behind them! It was pulled out into the frosty sunlight and then up into the sky as the reindeer gained enough speed to start a proper takeoff!
Suddenly, Nicky yelped. “GRANDPA!” he yelled back as the sleigh started to fly, “WHAT ABOUT!...”
“Don’t worry about a thing, Nicky!” Santa Claus called out. “Everything’s been explained! You’ll find everything you’ll need inside the sleigh!”
“Great!” Nicky mumbled. Suddenly, the sleigh lurched upwards!
“Woah!!” Nicky yelped as he crashed back into the huge bench-seat at the front of the sleigh! So much for a comfy ride! As the freezing arctic air sliced into him, he was glad for his wobbling tonnage, his thick winter clothes, and the hat and scarf around his head! Well, he was up in the air now, at least! But…now what!?
“OK!” Nicky gasped, trying to think straight and gather his thoughts. Straightening himself out, he tried to remember his grandfather’s instructions. “Uh, blow the whistle twice to change locations…OK, uh…”
Nicky pulled out the whistle and blew it twice! Suddenly, a vortex appeared before him!
“Woah!” he yelped as the sleigh was sucked into it! For a second all he could see was night sky and stars! Then Nicky was jerked forwards again as the sleigh burst out of the vortex into a patch of sky over a city.
“Woah!” he said again. He leaned over the side of the sleigh to see everything below. This was incredible! All the lights…the people…He pulled something out of the pocket of his dressing-gown. A beautiful gold pocketwatch on a chain. A small note came with it.
This is my magical pocketwatch. Press the stopwatch button at the top to stop time in each location as you deliver presents and finish off the food. Then press the stopwatch button again to start time back up. DO NOT LOSE THIS WATCH!
Santy Claus ”
Nicky chortled. He turned the watch over in his fat hands and laughed. He examined it closely and then clicked the button at the top of the watch…and suddenly, everything stopped.
Cars in the streets below, stopped.
People walking around, stopped.
Birds flying past…stopped.
“Sweet!” he said. He looked around the sleigh, trying to work out what other tools his grandfather had left him. He picked up a very old-looking flashlight and turned it on. Another note was taped around it.
Shine this light on all the windows. The ones which glow green are ones with children inside! Red means there aren’t any kids there, so don’t waste your time looking for them! Hope this helps!”
Nicky smiled. Great.
He turned on the flashlight as the sleigh cruised past windows great and small, from apartment-blocks to standalone houses and all other kinds of places. Every time the light flashed green, Nicky pulled on the reins to slow the sleigh down. And park it on a rooftop. His first stop was a large house in its own grounds. Nicky was glad that the chimney here was so large! He opened the magical sack and peeked inside with the flashlight. What was once bulging with presents was now empty! Except for a half-dozen presents of various sizes. Nicky shrugged. These must be the ones for this house. He pulled them out and stuffed them into a smaller sack he had with him, and then waddled ponderously along the roof!
HOW did grandpa DO this!? He was twice as fat as he was, and Nicky was already far too obese to be able to see his own feet! He reached the chimney and gulped. Here goes…
With a deep breath, he jumped down the chimney! To his surprise, the moment he stepped over the chimney, he was immediately sucked right down it! The brickwork morphing around his body, pulling him down using some strange sort of peristalsis! He suddenly popped out the bottom of the fireplace, tumbling out, dust and soot falling off his robes! He belched loudly from the fall and grunted! He reached out and grabbed the mantelpiece to haul himself up! That’s when he saw a coffee table in front of him! It had a big jug of milk, an empty glass, and a huge array of cookies! Nicky’s mouth watered and his huge belly gurgled and growled! Chocolate-chip! Shortbread! Gingerbread! Mmm!!
Nicky put the presents on the table and then started stuffing his face with cookies and milk! He was hell-bent and determined to finish off every last crumb of every last cookie, and every drop of milk! He sat on the floor and started stuffing his great belly with food! First the plate of gingerbread, then the plate of shortbread, and finally, his favourite! Chocolate-chip cookies! He stuffed his face with them and then glugged down all the milk! He belched richly, and then struggled up to his feet again, brushing off crumbs and then staring up at the chimney.
NOW what the hell was he gonna do!? He scrambled under the mantelpiece again and tried to stand up. That was when the brickwork did its whole peristalsis thing again and started sucking him all the way back up! He yelped as he was spat out the end and landed HARD on his fat ass on the roof! Thank goodness for all the padding!
“Wow!” he gasped. It might take a bit of getting used to, but he could see why Grandpa did this very year, now! It was kinda fun!
Soon, Nicky was jumping down chimney after chimney, or squeezing through windows, or using a magical brass key to unlock doors, delivering presents and gorging himself on cookies, mince-pies, pudding, cakes, candy, chocolate milk, milk-milk, brandy and other beverages! Any carrots left out were given to the reindeer. By the time he’d finished a particularly LARGE block of apartments, his belly strained against his red and white robes and pyjamas!
“Man!” Nicky gasped as he heaved himself back onto the sleigh after yet another delivery!
Nicky grunted as he sat back down and blew the whistle for the reindeer to get going again! “No-wonder grandpa got so FAT if he’s always stuffing himself like this every Christmas!” he wheezed. “Whoof!” he groaned.
Nicky St. Claus waddled around the world, into living room after living room, delivering present after present, and stuffing himself on endless plates of Christmas treats! Soon, he got into a regular rhythm, popping in and out of houses, gorging himself on treats and leaving candies and toys and presents behind.
With every house, cottage, mansion, apartment and hovel he visited, with every cookie, glass of milk, bottle of lemonade, mince-pie, custard-tart and slice of ham, turkey or goose he ate, Nicky got steadily fuller, fatter, heavier and softer! He started having to slow down, take things easy, and be more careful!
Or at least, he should have.
With his food-induce stupor, and the joy of being able to stuff his face ALL NIGHT, Nicky was starting to get forgetful! By the end of 24 hours awake, moving steadily around the world, stopping and starting time as he went, he was beginning to lose track of things. He checked the time on his grandfather’s magical pocketwatch.
“Another two hours to go, then I gotta get back home!” he said to himself. “Phew!” he grunted, “I gotta have put on like 500 pounds tonight!” he gasped. “Thank goodness this is the last house!” he said to himself.
The ‘last house’ was an enormous old mansion in the English countryside. A towering, three-storey structure that looked to be very old. The torchlight shone green when he waved it at the house, so there were definitely kids in here! Nicky came in for a landing on the roof. He hopped out of the sleigh and waddled ponderously around to the back. It wasn’t easy when you weighed 1,000 pounds! He opened the sack and gasped! Loaded inside were dozens of presents! He waddled back to the sleigh and bent over inside to try and find the “NICE” list. He shook it open and went through it. Then he found the address and the names. According to the list there were only two kids here, a pair of brothers! Then why…
Then he saw a small note scribbled next to the names.
Ooooh…So THAT was why…Nicky chuckled, rubbed his huge belly and threw the list back into the sleigh. He heaved the massive sack onto his back! He was glad now that he was so FAT! The extra bulk in his belly helped him balance as he waddled towards the chimney with the sack on his shoulders! OK…easy…easy…WOAH!!
Fat ass or no fat ass, landing this hard was PAINFUL! He’d fallen right down the chimney and crashed through the dampers and landed on the grate at the bottom, covered in soot and ash! What on earth!? Nicky coughed and sneezed! He stood up and tried desperately to beat the dust and ash off his clothes! Ooow, ow, ow, ow, ow!!
Ncky sneezed again and then finally pulled off his red robe and shook it to get the dust and ash off, before putting it back on, but this time, not bothering to tie up the sash that went around his now, much-larger waist! He stared around slowly. The room he was in was totally dark! There were no stockings, no trees, no nothing! Not even milk and cookies! What on earth…
Nicky frowned. He stared around the room. It looked like a library or a study of some kind, sort of like his grandfather’s back at home. Heh! Of course! Christmas trees were always set up in public rooms, not private ones! The young fatty waddled out of the room and down a corridor, dragging the red sack of presents behind him. That was when he saw lights under a pair of doors leading off a corridor…what on earth…he stopped outside the doors and pushed them slowly open.
Then Nicky saw where the light was coming from! Candles! And a huge fire blazing away in the fireplace! It filled the room with golden light! But that wasn’t the only thing this room was filled with! It was loaded with sleeping-bags! There were kids everywhere! At least a dozen of them! No wonder there were so many presents for this address! This must be the slumber-party written down on the list.
Nicky chuckled. Wow! Look at them all…
As the young fatty looked around, trying to sort out his presents, his attention was drawn to a steady, rhythmic ticking sound. At first he thought he’d dreamt it! But then…
Nicky jumped when he heard the chiming of a gong somewhere! Out in the hall, a large grandfather-clock was striking midnight! What!?
Nicky patted his belly and rubbed himself all over! Oh no! Where was his watch!? Where was his grandfather’s magical gold pocketwatch!? In the fall and confusion he’d forgotten to stop time! And he’d lost it! He gulped. Okay, don’t panic, don’t panic!
Nicky took a deep breath…or as deep as he could with his stomach crammed full of cakes and pies and cookies!
“Okay!” he said, “okay don’t panic…Deliver the presents first, eat the milk and cookies…and then retrace your steps to find the watch”, he said. “Yeah that’ll work. You’ll…you’ll think better on a full stomach!” he said.
Nervously, Nicky entered the living-room. Snoozing around on the floor were at least twelve or fifteen kids, all fast asleep in sleeping-bags, or on couches and armchairs. Two boys who looked like twins were fast asleep. They must be the two brothers who lived here with their parents.
Nicky waddled up to the fireplace and put the dozens of presents on the floor around the tree and on the coffee-table nearby. That was when he saw…
“Wooaaah…” he said to himself.
On another table on the other side of the fireplace, away from the presents and the tree, was a veritable FEAST of Christmas foods! A whole roast turkey, a whole roast goose! A whole roast leg of ham! And roast pork, and roast beef and bacon and crackling, mince pies, cookies, tarts, cakes, plum pudding and all other amazing treats! And bottles of lemonade and soda and cold milk and custard and sauce and…wooooow!!
Now this was the REAL way to finish Christmas! He could pig out and stuff his face until he burst before he had to go back home! This would be AMAZING!!
Or it might’ve been, if not for what happened next…
Unknown to Nicky while he was laying out the presents, the two twins had woken up when they heard him moving around the room. It isn’t easy being silent as a mouse when you’re 975lbs! Keeping silent, both boys had laid on the floor, watching the enormous figure in red waddle around. When they heard Nicky’s amazed gasp at the feast on the table, they couldn’t believe it!
Nicky yelped and turned around! Damn that watch!
“Who are you!?” he cried out.
“Who are YOU!?” said one of the boys, who looked to be about eight.
“He’s Santa Claus you idiot!” said the other boy.
“He can’t be Santa! Santa’s old! And he’s got a beard!”
“What’s going on Charlie?”
“Yeah! Chandler what’s up? Who are you two talking to!?”
“Hey! It’s Santa!”
“Uh-oh…” said Nicky.
Suddenly, every boy in the room was awake! Luckily the doors to the rest of the house were closed, muffling out the rest of the sound!
“He’s not Santa! He’s too young!”
“But he has to be!”
“Yeah! Who else dresses up like that!?”
“He’s SO FAT!!”
Nicky blushed proudly. He smiled. “Uh…h-hi!”
“Uh…Yeah!” said Nicky. “Um…uh…h-hi everyone, uh…um…Hi. My name’s uh…N-Nicky…”
“Why isn’t your name Santa!?”
“Or Father Christmas!?”
“What kinda name is Nicky!?”
“W-well…um…Aa-actually my full name is Nicholas Christopher St. Claus VII”, he said, blushing. “Um…S-Santa Claus is my grandpa…” he added quickly.
“Hey look! His belly really does wobble around! Cool!”
“Can we touch it!?”
Nicky blushed and laughed, “Uh-s-sure!” he said. He stared around and one of the twins waved him over to a chair. Nicky sat down in the enormous, stout-looking armchair that was just able to take his weight!
“Hey! What are you kids doing in there!?” a voice called out.
“Uh…T-talking to Santa Claus?” said Chandler quickly.
A man’s voice laughed, “Alright son! But don’t make too much noise, now!”
Retreating footsteps. Whoever it was, was heading back upstairs to bed.
“Phew!” said Chandler. Charlie laughed at his brother.
“So you’re Santa Claus’s grandson?” said one of the boys. Other boys were now hurrying over to rub his belly and squeeze his fat rolls and lovehandles! They helped him pull off his robes and unbutton his pyjamas to make him more comfortable.
“Y-yeah!” said Nicky, “I was just dropping off the last of the presents!” he said. “This is my last house before I gotta fly back home!” he said. “I can’t stay very…”
“You can’t leave yet!” said one of the boys. “Did we all get what we wanted!?”
“I think so!” said Nicky. “There’s a Nintendo Wii in there somewhere, and a toy train-set, and a cuddle-bunny, some LEGO, a copy of the last Harry Potter book…”
“Wow cool! But you still can’t leave!”
“Why not!?” Nicky asked, wondering if these kids were gonna hold him captive forever!
“You haven’t eaten the treats we left out!” they said. Nicky laughed!
“Oh yeah!” he said. “W-well…I can only stay a while, so perhaps it’d work faster if you fed them to me?” he suggested.
Nicky almost immediately regretted this suggestion as suddenly, fifteen eager kids started stuffing food into his mouth!
“Try the cookies Nicky!”
“And the cupcakes!”
“No gingerbread! Gingerbread!”
“Peter don’t eat that! It’s for Nicky!”
“You want some ginger-beer Nicky?”
“How about some hot chocolate? We kept it near the fire so it’d be warm!”
Nicky sat on the armchair being stuffed full to bursting! He gasped and panted and gobbled and munched as kids shoved chocolates, cookies, pies, custard tarts, cakes, puddings, and entire chunks of bacon, ham, pork, turkey and goose into his mouth, all made up as sandwiches with mustard and dressing and all other kinds of things, not to mention loads of delicious, rich, fattening stuffing!
“H-he-hey! Not so f-buuurrggghhh!” he gasped as an eager pair of hands rammed three chocolate chip cookies into his mouth! He coughed and choked them down! “Wait!” he gasped.
Their initial excitement by now worn off, the kids became more orderly, crowding around and offering food! Nicky tried to be polite and everything, but his prodigious appetite took over, and he was soon stuffing down everything he could reach! And whatever he couldn’t reach was being stuffed down for him!
By the time everything…and I do mean EVERYTHING…was finished, Nicky was bloated beyond belief! He could hardly get up! He could hardly BREATHE! Hardly SEE! He had to have gained 200 pounds at least, just from all this alone! The clock in the hall struck 2:00am!
“Oh gosh!” he grunted, struggling to get to his feet, “I…BURRRRRP! I gotta go!” he wheezed. “I…I’ll show up again next year! I promise!” he grunted.
“Aren’t you happy Nicky?” one of the boys asked.
“Huh!? Wh…y-yeah! Sure! But I gotta…BURRRRRRRRRP! Schedule to keep! Oh gosh!” he grunted.
“Hey help him out!” said one of the twins. They grabbed Nicky under the armpits and pulled him upright! Nicky groaned. His belly felt so HUGE it would surely drag on the ground! The kids tried to get him dressed again, but his clothes were just far too tight! They just hung off his shoulders limply!
“W-well…B-bye!” he grunted. “M-merry Ch-christmas!” he gasped. Nicky staggered out with the twins helping him back to the library, one boy under each armpit, acting like human crutches! Nicky had to stop twice to catch his breath! Eventually he reached the fireplace.
“Hey what’s this!?” said one of the boys. He picked up something from the carpet. It was the watch!
“My grandpa’s watch!” said Nicky, “Th-thanks! It must’ve fallen out of my pocket when I landed in here!” he said. He wound it up and put it into his pocket!
“W-well! I gotta go!” he said. “It was fun…” he gasped and rubbed his massive belly, “Fun meeting you!” he said. “If you ever wanna visit us, you know where to find us! Just go straight to the north pole until you see Christendom!” he gasped. Heaving his huge bulk into the fireplace, Nicky pulled himself upwards! The chimney then sucked him up and spat him out on top! He yelped as he crashed down into the sleigh again! He HAD to ask grandpa to put a cushion on this bench!
“Alright! Come on Dasher! Dancer! Donner! Blitzen! Comet! Cupid! Prancer! Vixen! Come on Rudolph! Move it! Hurry!”
With a much lighter sleigh, although with a MUCH fatter sleigh-driver, the sleigh rattled across the roof! It dipped heavily at the end as it came off the edge of the guttering, but then was pulled straight and steadily dragged up and off into the clouds!
“Wow!” Nicky gasped.
Santa Claus laughed when his grandson returned.
“See, this is why I make it a habit NOT to be seen!” said Santa, chortling and prodding his grandson’s huge gut with his candy-cane walking stick and laughing, “Because THIS is what happens!” he said, and patted Nicky’s bloated, groaning belly. “But never mind! You got it all done and you delivered all the presents! And you made one group of children VERY happy indeed! So, what did you think!?”
“It was a bit hard at first grandpa…b-but it was fun!” he said, “I wanna do it again next year!”
“And so you shall!” said the old man, smiling.
“Sure! Your dad and I need to talk about my retirement! Eventually he’ll take over the production of toys, and you’ll be in charge…officially…of the Christmas Runs!
“Cool!” said Nicky. He belched and a chubby hand covered his mouth. “S-sorry…”
“Hohohohohohoho!!” Santa laughed, “No need to be sorry, my boy! Nothing like a good feed after a long night out, eh?” he said. “You get some rest, my fat little snowman and I’ll see you in the morning!”